select work_quality from me where sleep < 'one picosecond' and coffee_consumed >= 'the contents of the pacific' and dealing_with_baby_vomiting like 'the exorcist'; WRK QUALTY ------------------------------------- Full of speeling erors and zzzzzz.... .... *gasp* I'm awake, honest!
select safe_educational_toys from parental_approved_toys intersect select dangerous_objects from babys_chosen_playthings; no rows selected To be fair, they do like their "proper" toys. Somehow the forbidden objects seem so much more appealing though!
Keep reading for scripted examples
declare cursor wallet_contents is select money from wallet for update; baby_equipment_stores wallet%rowtype; begin open wallet_contents; loop fetch wallet_contents into baby_equipment_stores; exit when wallet_contents%notfound; end loop; close wallet_contents; end; / Ah, the never-ending cycle of baby related paraphernalia to purchase.
create table wallet_contents (money number(10, 2));
insert into wallet_contents values (10);
cursor wallet is
set money = money – 1
returning money into child_stores.money;
exit when child_stores.money <= 0; dbms_output.put_line(child_stores.money ); end loop; close wallet; end; / drop table wallet_contents purge;
insert into baby (mouth) select healthy_snacks from parents; 0 rows inserted insert into baby (mouth) select random_junk from the_floor; 432,149 rows inserted The joy of getting your child to eat "the right things". Perhaps the solution is to cover the floor in healthy foods and try feeding them dirt...
select version, feature from children order by version; VER FEATURE --- -------- 0.0 Marketing impressed by early demo. Demands instant release despite many key features missing. 0.1 Crying leading to customers demanding refunds. Smiling feature implemented to distract them. 0.2 Self burping feature implemented to much rejoicing from female owners. 0.3 Agile methodology adopted for walking and talking functions. Incremental changes slowly rolled out over next two years. 0.6 Issues found in release of teeth. Several days of live bug-fixing follows, causing misery for all. 0.8 Projectile vomiting bug finally fixed. 2.0 Major release includes significant bugs in customer co-operation module. 5.0 New team member unhappy with the mess left from the release of teeth. Drops all existing code and rewrites from scratch. 13.0 Implementation of puberty outsourced to cheapest provider. Chaos ensues. Just a small sample of the bugs and features that appear as children grow :)
insert into joyous_memories select making_vast_improvements from that_horrible_query union all select designing_data_models from scalable_applications union all select heart_warming_smile from your_newborn_child; While there can be a lot of effort put in before getting these outcomes, the reward is worth it! :)
select count(*) from babies where crying = any ( select understanding from parents ); COUNT(*) -------- 0 If anyone ever manages to create a baby-to-parent translation device, I'm sure they'll become the richest person in the world!
select grip_on_reality from parental_sanity minus select ear_piercing_screaming from baby; no rows selected "Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." - Sam Levenson
update baby set tummy = 'full', nappy = 'empty' where tummy = 'empty' or nappy = 'full'; After dealing with either or both of these issues for the 67th time in a day, there's an overwhelming wish that you could setup some kind of trigger to deal them automatically...
alter session set current_schema = baby; exec dbms_lock.sleep(28800); Ah yes, sleep, I vaguely remember that...