Sep 062013
 
select work_quality
from   me
where  sleep < 'one picosecond'
and    coffee_consumed >= 
           'the contents of the pacific'
and    dealing_with_baby_vomiting 
           like 'the exorcist';

WRK QUALTY
-------------------------------------
Full of speeling erors and zzzzzz.... 

.... *gasp* I'm awake, honest!
Jul 192013
 
declare
  cursor wallet_contents is 
    select money 
    from   wallet
    for    update;
  
  baby_equipment_stores wallet%rowtype;
begin
  open wallet_contents;
  
  loop
    fetch wallet_contents
    into  baby_equipment_stores;
    
    exit when wallet_contents%notfound;
  end loop;
  
  close wallet_contents;
end;
/
Ah, the never-ending cycle of baby related paraphernalia to purchase.

create table wallet_contents (money number(10, 2));
insert into wallet_contents values (10);
declare
cursor wallet is
select money
from wallet_contents
for update;

child_stores wallet%rowtype;
begin
open wallet;

fetch wallet
into child_stores;
loop
update wallet_contents
set money = money – 1
returning money into child_stores.money;
exit when child_stores.money <= 0; dbms_output.put_line(child_stores.money ); end loop; close wallet; end; / drop table wallet_contents purge;

Jul 052013
 
insert into baby (mouth)
  select healthy_snacks
  from   parents;

0 rows inserted

insert into baby (mouth)
  select random_junk
  from   the_floor;

432,149 rows inserted

The joy of getting your child to eat "the right things". Perhaps the solution 
is to cover the floor in healthy foods and try feeding them dirt...
Jun 282013
 
select version, feature
from   children
order  by version;

VER  FEATURE
---  --------
0.0  Marketing impressed by early demo. 
     Demands instant release despite many key 
     features missing.
0.1  Crying leading to customers demanding 
     refunds. Smiling feature implemented to 
     distract them.
0.2  Self burping feature implemented to much
     rejoicing from female owners.
0.3  Agile methodology adopted for walking and
     talking functions. Incremental changes
     slowly rolled out over next two years.
0.6  Issues found in release of teeth. Several
     days of live bug-fixing follows, causing
     misery for all.
0.8  Projectile vomiting bug finally fixed.
2.0  Major release includes significant bugs
     in customer co-operation module.
5.0  New team member unhappy with the mess 
     left from the release of teeth. Drops 
     all existing code and rewrites from 
     scratch.
13.0 Implementation of puberty outsourced to 
     cheapest provider. Chaos ensues.

Just a small sample of the bugs and features that appear as children grow :)
May 172013
 
insert into joyous_memories
  select making_vast_improvements
  from   that_horrible_query
  union  all
  select designing_data_models
  from   scalable_applications
  union  all
  select heart_warming_smile
  from   your_newborn_child;

While there can be a lot of effort put in before getting these outcomes, the reward is worth it! :)